ENCOUNTERS – BRUTUS!!!

A few years back I was at a party and since I am not much of a drinker I held on to a glass of “Pissky” (whisky) and circulated amongst the folks present, like I always do on such occasions. That way no body would force me to drink more “for company” (which is a boorish alcohol drinking Indian behaviour). 

It was a party hosted by a friend for a stupid reason, a new surround sound system, but then I had nothing else to do so I went.

I saw a woman sitting all alone with a distant look as if she was in the party by body but not by soul… whatever that means.  :).  I enquired from the host’s wife about her and then she introduced me to the lonely lady.

She:  “Hello” (cold)

Me: “I saw you sitting alone so I thought I would come and make some conversation”

Small talk followed and she told me that she was a Marwari - had come from Jaipur and was new to Bombay. A doctor in general medicine, she said she wanted a change of scene.

I should have turned on my “flirt tap” and offered to take her around Bombay but my instincts told me otherwise. This one was different. The party ended and we all went out separate ways.

I also forgot her name, such was her non-descriptiveness.

Those days I was also running a company that was into creating websites.

A few days later I received a call from my friend who had hosted the party and asked me to go across to an iron & steel manufacturer’s office.

I went and was asked to design a web site for the products dealt in by the company. Advance received, we commenced the job with the right earnestness… mainly because we did not have any other jobs in hand.

A first draft, then the second…. And then the proprietor suggested that I also incorporate his daughter’s suggestions in the final product.

Inspite of consternations, I had no other option but to agree. The daughter turned out to be the doctor female I had met at the party a month back.

Her name was Manju and she too got involved in the job. She had some very good practical suggestions and was also good at visualisation. Very soon we had a satisfactory website on hand ready for launch.

www.lohhanirmankendra.com was launched without much fanfare.

Meanwhile all the team members got closer to Manju and she got involved in our next project. I could see that she had started enjoying her work – which was without any pay – (Thank God!!). Anyway she was not much into eating peanuts!!! :-)

Then one fine day she asked me to meet her father at her residence. She wouldn’t say anything further. She was serious about it.

Wondering why, I raised my eyebrows and they met my ample hairline….jane kahaan gaye who din!!! (now I wonder where all those hair have disappeared to).

Papa dearest was probably interested in investing in my company… a Marwari cannot miss an opportunity to make money, I speculated.

I was hopeful and optimistic about this prospect because the cash liquidity situation was getting solidified at the bottom of the barrel.

They lived on the 12^th floor of a building at Altamount Road, a very posh area … now famously in the process of being occupied  by Mukesh Ambani, Ratan Tata and Kumar Birla.

Today people speculate that this small part of Bombay is the wealthiest by any estimate… but I say, it already was loaded with wealth.

My mind also speculated at another prospect of becoming a Marwari Jamai (sin-in-law – no mistakes in that spelling).

Then my quirky mind went into an imaginary dialogue mode between her father and me.

Her Father: “Kitna Kamaa lete ho?” (how much do you earn?)

Me:”Sir, Ek hajaar rupaiya mahina” (One thousand rupees per month)

Her Father: ”HUH!! Har Mahina Pandhra sau ke biscuit khaa jataa hai Manju ka kutta, Tommy” (Manju’s dog, Tommy eats Rs.1500/- worth of biscuits every month)

Me: “Sir, toh phir mujhe Manju ke kutte ka post dijiye – main toh paanch sau ka hi khaunga” (Sir, then make me Manju’s dog, I will eat only Rs.500/- worth of biscuits)

Her Father: "Tumhare Maa-Baap kya karte hain?(what do your parents do?)

Me: "Sir, woh iron & steel mein hain"

Her Father: "Achchaaaa?"

Me: "Haan Sir, Baap Kapde Ironing karte hain, aur Maa Gharon Mein se Stealing karti hain" (Father irons clothes and mother steals from households)

AAAAAhhhh!!! I shook myself out of my reverie and braced myself for the meeting.

It went off smoothly… that is if your consider that the father did not like the idea of creating web sites for a living… saw too many holes in the project. I could see that he also did not like me for a son-in-law… anyway it turned out that Manju was a good four years elder to me and a divorcee. Now I understood the reason for change of situation that she had mentioned at the party.

So I can say that I came out of her house satisfied that I was back to square one… I was not in the running for becoming Manju’s Kutta (Manju’s Dog). In fact there was no biscuit eating dog in her house.

How wrong I was??!!

The father and daughter escorted me to the door and as we stepped out in to the 15 foot long and wide square corridor, the door of the opposite flat also opened simultaneously.

Old buildings had very generous planners and architects who always gave large spaces for balconies, corridors, staircases etc.

We were walking towards the lift when a HUGE Alsatian dog came out barking from the opposite flat. Mercifully the dog was restrained by a leash and a young servant boy of about, age 20, held on to the leash with all his strength”

“Bootus! Bootus!! Chup Bootus!!!” The boy shouted at the dog.

But Bootus was in no mood to oblige.

“Salaa Kaminaa Kutaaaaa” Shouted Manju’s Father and retreated behind the safety of his own door. Manju too tried to pull me back by my elbow… but I stood rooted there a few feet away from a viciously barking HUGE Alsatian dog.

The dog seemed to take umbrage at that insult hurled at him by Manju’s father and raised the decibel level to a new high. He was now up on his hind legs straining every sinew of his body ….trying to target my neck. His mouth was foaming with anger and the situation was getting out of hand.

The corridor echoed with Manju shouting warnings at me, her father cursing the dog, the servant boy trying to silence the dog ….. thereby multiplying the noises.

The leash held back the by now prancing and viciously barking dog.

Here, I have to put in a disclaimer.  If you the reader wistfully thinks that I was being brave and courageous then you are sadly mistaken. My position there was like that of a frog hypnotised by a snake. I stood there rooted to the floor like a zombie in absolute frigidness. Not a thought crossed my mind. (can i be any more honest than this???hmmm???)

Then with one great heave the HUGE dog pulled at the leash with all his strength and the servant boy let go of the leash.

The dog rushed at me and …..suddenly there were no noises … except for the dog’s barking everybody else watched in shocked silence.

I think I did hear a “Hey Bhagwan” from Manju (but are dogs listed in Bhagwan’s directory that they are supposed to listen to Godly exclamations?? I now wonder)

… and the HUGE dog advanced and in a matter of a seconds was near me.

Surprisingly, he stopped half-a-feet short of me and continued his vicious barking. I remained motionless.

He bared his vicious fangs and growled and watched both his left and right flanks - warning thereby that if any of you come near I am going to get this fellow - This is my Prisoner!!! Hostage Situation!!!

I did not dare move lest he bit me. Those fangs looked dangerous. A swipe and I was  goner… TA - TA!! BYE - BYE everybody!!!

Surprisingly his barks became lesser in volume and frequency.

He seemed confused. He was used to human beings running for cover, (I now assume on hind sight)….and there I stood rooted. 

“BOW!….BOW!… don’t you move” he seemed to say and I was in no condition to do so either.

Then he came nearer and sniffed at my crotch…. My family jewels were in danger of being ripped off!!! Suddenly I was aware of the touch!! A chill went through my spine.

If I had earlier in the meeting agreed to marry Manju then now my prospects were very dim. No Father wants his daughter to marry a man whose assets have been ripped off by a HUGE Alsatian Dog (or any dog for that matter)

Then the dog sniffed me all over….I let him do that, continuing to stay motionless.

Having finished his frisking business, he looked up into my eyes and let out another warning BOW!!.

I slowly and gently moved my fingers and touched his head much behind his growling mouth and gently patted it.

“GRRR!! GRRR!” He growled but this time not in aggression but as if saying “Nice Boy! Nice Boy! Do it Again!”

You see he was the master of the situation and in absolute command.

I patted him a few more and then I gently went down in front of him on my knees and looked away and continued to gently massage his neck.

I was soon aware of a paw rubbing on my left thigh … he had lifted it and was returning the massage gesture.

That emboldened me and I went on to stroke his body and started crooning soft silly meaningless words. I gently removed his chain and threw it further. That freed him and now he was wagging his tail in friendliness.

Brutus then raised himself on his hind legs and placed both his paws on my shoulders and was towering above a kneeling me. He gave me a few licks and knighted me saying “I now knight thee as Friend of Dogs”

I was relieved and if I had a tail I would have also wagged it at him.

Then I moved slightly back and sat down on my haunches and ….started sweating profusely realising the gravity of the situation that was by now over.

Brutus too rested his massive head on my shoulder and I continued to stroke him and a bond was established.

Brutus growled in delight as if saying “Look I’m not such a bad fellow, but I don’t like human beings … but you are different. On second thoughts here are a few more licks”

A meeting of minds took place. Both of us forgot that there were other people in the corridor watching us in amazement.

Many moments later I gently stood up and caught Brutus by his leather collar and led him to the opposite flat. He again followed me to the lift and refused to go inside. Finally I requested the servant boy to close the door as soon as I pushed Brutus inside.

Brutus let out a few goodbye Bow – Wows!! And that was the last I ever saw of him.

I went back to Manju’s flat sat down, had a few glasses of water – replenished my hydration levels and then left for home.

Now whenever someone mentions about the rich people of Altamount Road, instead of thinking of Manju I let out a sigh thinking of Brutus!! Who almost got my neck!!!

THE NEW BAHURANI

It is a myth that when a son gets married and a new daughter-in-law arrives in the family, everything changes.

The new wife (progressive Indian woman of today), was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner.

As expected she gave a speech, "My dear family,I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family, firstly, my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine."No, I will never do that, never in a million years."

"What do you mean my child?" asked the father-in-law.

"What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws);

Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them.

Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.

Those who cooked should not stop at my account,

AND Those who used to clean should continue cleaning !!!

"And what are you here for Bahurani?" enquired the mother-in-law.

"AS FOR ME, I'M HERE JUST TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON !!!"

(image from: http://www.timtim.com/index.php)

ENCOUNTERS – NOT A HAPPY OCCASION

Friends I am starting a new series in which I will try to share my experiences of dealing with people in everyday professional or personal life.

In my mid-twenties, I started a business of trading in papers. A paper mill director helped me by going out of the way and bypassed his regular distributor and gave me an agency.

In a matter of months I had established a good customer base. Customer payments were very staggered and delays sometimes ran upto 2 months.

One fine morning I decided to knock on the doors of a few customers and ask for money. It was a bank holiday because of Moharram.

I rang up Hussain on the telephone : “Happy Moharram!! Hussain bhai!!”

Hussain “Kya? What did you say?”

“Happy Moharram” I replied enthusiastically.

“Arrey, you Hindus don’t understand our culture and blurt out such nonsense. Shut Up you Harami”

Saying this he banged the phone down.

I was perplexed by his reaction and called back but he refused to take my call.

He refused to take my calls or meet me for days together. I went up his factory gates but was turned away by the watchmen.

A Muslim friend explained to me that Moharram was a day of fasting and remorse for some Muslims. (more details are given below)

A couple of months passed and still no cheques came from Hussain. I became desperate. Funds were running short.

I sent a letter to Hussain apologising for my foolishness, but he refused to respond.

Then I went around to some of his community members who were also paper traders and found out that Hussain was a regular defaulter and owed monies to many people. He only needed a reason to default and once he had a supplier in his clutches then it was almost impossible to realise one’s money. In fact he had created such a bad name for himself that none of the his fellow Muslim traders gave him any material.

I was desperate for funds and a couple of lakhs of rupees were stuck with Hussain.

I was by now running into a loss because all the margin on this deal with Hussain was wiped out by interest that I was now paying. Desperate situations needed desperate measures.

I remembered that a childhood friend of mine had become a Shiv Sena Shakha Pramukh in my area.

(Shiv Sena – a political party known for its strong arm methods)

Shankar had it in him. He had a swagger and a dialogue delivery style that sent shivers down some spines. It was only natural that he became the big boss of a local Shiv Sena office.

I went up to him with my problem and he agreed to accompany me to meet Hussain. Two of his burly acolytes also came along.

We took a cab and ten minutes later we were at the factory gates of Hussain. Shankar got off first and followed by his friends and then I followed. He just barged in to the premises and moved quickly (for his ample girth) up to Hussain’s cabin.

Hussain was sitting there going through some art works and one sight of Shankar he ambled out and stood up in respect.

Shankar asked him “RAAM KA BAAP KAUN THA?” (who was Ram’s father?)

I intervened needlessly “Bhagwan Shriram ke pitashri kaun they” (more respectfully, the same question). I bit my tongue.

Shankar turned around with scorn and glared at me and loudly said “Haan, pitashri kaun they?.” (yes! Who was his father)

Hussain replied, “Maloom Nahi bhai”  (I don’t know )

Shankar, “Navratri kayko manaata hai aapunlog?” (why do we celebrate Navratri?)

The last thing on my mind then was to correct his Hindi or else he would have slapped me.

Hussain replied, “Maloom Nahi bhai”  (I don’t know )

Shankar,“Toh phir hum ko kaisa maloom padega Moharram kya hai” (then how will we know what is Moharram?)

Shankar, “Abhich iska cheque banao” (make his cheque just now)

I respectfully supplied the figure adding a few thousands as interest and for donation that I would have to now make to the Shiv Sena Office Fund.

Shankar thundered again, ”Agar cheque return ho gaya toh main tere ko dandiya khilayaga - indhar heech, samajh gaya?” (if the cheque returns unpaid then I will come again and make you play dandiya)

Hussain,”Jee Bhai” (yes brother)

On our way back I asked laughingly, “Shankar, tere ko maloom hai kya, Bhagwan shriram ke pitashri kaun they?” (do you know who is shriram’s father?”

Shankar,”Arrey, koi bhi aandu – paandu hoga raam ka baap… lekin tera kaam ho gaya naaa. Phir dimag ka dahi kyun banata hai” (Ram’s father might have been anybody. Your purpose has been solved - then why are you bugging me?)

He did not know the answers to his own questions, I surmised but then I agreed to his point. I thanked him profusely for his efforts.

The cheque did not bounce and I contributed my humble mite to the Shakha fund.

Note on Muharram: for dummies like me.(source:wikipedia)

• On 1 Muharram, the Islamic New Year is observed by some Muslims.
• On 1 Muharram, Shi'ite Muslims begin the observance of the Commemoration of Muharram which marks the anniversary of the Battle of Karbala. Imam Husayn entered Karbala.
• On 7 Muharram, access to water was banned on Husayn by Yazid's order.
• On 10 Muharram, the Day of Ashurah is commemorated by Muslims as the anniversary of the death of Husayn bin Ali, the grandson of Muhammad. But the Shi'ite Muslims attach much greater importance to this day.
• On 25 Muharram, Fourth Imam Hazrat Zain-ul-Abedin was poisoned.
• On 27 Muharram, Mesum was killed.

The Story of Maria.

Maria is a devout Catholic.

She gets married and has 7 children. Eventually, her husband dies.

She remarries two weeks later, and has 10 children by her next husband.

Eventually, he dies.

Soon after her second husband's death she too dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

Types Of Women

HARD-DISK Woman:

She remembers everything, FOREVER.

}

}

RAM Woman:

She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

}

}

WINDOWS Woman:

Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

}

}

EXCEL Woman:

They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.

}

}

SCREENSAVER Woman:

She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

}

}

INTERNET Woman:

Difficult to access and remain online.

}

}

SERVER Woman:

Always busy when you need her.

}

}

MULTIMEDIA Woman:

She makes horrible things look beautiful.

}

}

CD-ROM Woman:

She is always faster and faster.

}

}

E-MAIL Woman:

Out of every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

}

}

VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.

Friends

I am reposting an interesting one.

Rgds

Sunshine :-)

JUST STUPID

·        Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

·        A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

·        A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

·        The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

·        A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

·        Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

·        A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

·        Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

·        When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

·        A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

THE WISHING WELL

http://ishare.rediff.com/filevideo-Wishing-Well-id-108080.php

In A Rajasthani Bus

Conductor : Baccha ko ticket???

}

} 

}

Rajsthani lady :- Iko bhi lagego ke? Yo tho abaar bobo chuse hai.

}

}

}

Conductor:- Bobo tho iko baap bhi chuse hai - Toh uke bhi free me bitha looo?????

SHOOTING BIRDS

There was a Chinese father named Cheng who was very close to his son.

They used to go everywhere together including looking for "birds" (Chinese slang for prostitute).

One day, Chung the son decided to go overseas for study.

The father was very supportive, and before his son left, the father told him, "Chung we cannot look for chicken together for the next few years. However, if you need to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it. But please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that your mother will not suspect."

So the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill from Chung, the son,......(shooting bird - $300).

Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird is more than $700. Well, the father could not tolerate this, so he wrote to his son.

"Chung Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper one".

A month later, Cheng, the father, received another bill from his son. On it he had written:

Shooting Bird - $50<